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Outing Yourself to Your Family

One of the most difficult moments in a gay man's life is the time when they must decide if they are going to stay in the closet or out themselves to family and friends. For some, the answer is clear. Whether they decide to stay in the closet or out themselves they have a reason for doing so and nothing is going to sway their decision. For others, weighing the pros and cons of staying in the closet or leaping out proudly must be weighed.

Coming out is a big decision for the vast majority of homosexuals. The most common reasons to not come out involve not only the fear of your family members and your friends' reactions, but also fear of others finding out who may not need to know. No one wants their boss finding out if they have a high profile position that could be affected. Of course, on the other hand, discrimination for sexual orientation is still discrimination and no company wants to fall into the trap of firing an employee because they are gay.

Once you've decided, for better or worse, to out yourself there are things you need to keep in mind. Whether your family accepts it, or is shocked and hurt, keep in mind this is about you and not anyone else. The following tips should help you come out as well as address the acceptance of your family members' reactions for better, or for worse.

Coming Out is About You

This is one of the most important things you need to keep in mind. Often, if parents are upset their first reaction is to bemoan the situation. Common parental phrases of blame include:

Where did I go wrong?
I didn't raise you to be this way.
Why me? Why do I have to be the one to have a gay child?

For all intents and purposes the "I" your parents bring up has no place in "YOUR" coming out. The common misconception of parents is that their gay child is a result of their own parenting. They were the ones who did the wrong thing by raising you to be gay. These attitudes only make it harder on you. No one wants to see their parents upset. The natural response for any gay man is going to be to place the blame where they think it truly belongs; on themselves.

Don't do this though! Don't fall into their trap. For whatever reason, your parents may believe you've wronged them. In their subconscious mind they want you to feel the hurt they feel. Of course, there is no need to feel hurt. Before coming out you must psych yourself up to the point where you know this is who you are. You also need to prepare yourself for any and every reaction.

Your parents may take it better then you thought, or they may take it worse. However, as a gay male you've already faced oppression head on. Whether your family accepts it, or not, you should be proud of yourself for being true to who you are.

The First Reaction is Not Always the Final Reaction

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard a gay male tell me their parents took their coming out much worse then they had initially expected. However, in the vast majority of cases, these men also have come to me later and claimed their family members just needed to calm down. After evaluating the conversation and reflecting upon the fact that this is what is making the man happy, their family has slowly come to terms with their homosexuality.

It seems kind of funny that your family has to accept it and be okay with it when they are not the ones experiencing it. However, for many families it is only natural to think that the homosexuality of one family member is going to have an impact on the entire clan as a whole. This is a common misconception and in the end you will just need to wait until they get over their homosexual complex.

The initial reaction of your family members will not be the last. Sometimes it takes hours for them to cool down. Others it may take days, months, or even years. Eventually, they will have to deal with it or they may have to deal with the loss of a family member.

Always give them time to react. Try not to lash out at them in anger over their first response. It is best to tell them and then open the floor for questions. However, if things are going in a negative direction excuse yourself. Go into another room or return to your own home. Let them deal with their own issues first.

Once you've left do not contact them unless you absolutely have to. When they are ready they will come to you. If you do talk to them do not bring up your homosexuality. It will come up eventually. If it comes up naturally in the future (such as Mom & Dad I would like you to meet my new boyfriend), or if they bring it up they are going to feel less threatened then if you are, in their words, constantly reminding them and thrusting your gayness in their faces.

Education is Everything

When you go to tell your family members you are gay you may want to bring literature or other educational information. If you can print out information on PFLAG or even gay statistics your family may be more receptive then if you come with nothing but a smile.

Do not try and go for the shock appeal. Try to be open and honest without being raunchy. Imagine your parents telling you about their sexual orientation. There are certain things you would not want to discuss with them. Avoid subjects such as:

How many men you've been with
The first time you had sex
Various gay positions
How good your current lover is in bed
How you like being the top/bottom

You would not want to imagine your family members in sexual situations. There is no way they'd want to imagine you in those situations whether you are gay or straight. Do not try to shock them. Shock value may be humorous to you. However, your family might find it appalling and will react negatively based on how you've presented your homosexuality to them.

If you tell them openly, honestly, and provide them with the URL, phone number, and information on your local PFLAG you've done all you can. They may or may not take up your offer to contact PFLAG. However, it is always good to know there is a place they can go to discuss their family member's coming out with others who have been in their shoes and understand where they are coming from.

In the end, as a gay male, it is your responsibility to tell your family. Some may already know. Your mother, sister, father, or brother may be the next president of PFLAG or they may be the next parent to react negatively. Whatever the outcome, remember that coming out is not easy for anyone. Keep your chin up, be proud of who you are, and believe in yourself. If they do not wish to believe in you, or see you for the wonderful person you are, it is their loss, not yours.

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